Keeping the Ashes of a Deceased Loved One at Home
Among families who choose cremation, we notice that it is more and more common to see one of the loved ones take home the urn containing the ashes of the deceased. This practice, which is permitted in Quebec (there is no law governing the disposal of ashes), has its pros and cons. Here is a brief look at the good and the not-so-good aspects.
The advantages
A transition during the mourning period
Having the urn at home can help loved ones gradually get used to the absence of the deceased, which sometimes causes a lot of distress in everyday life, especially if the deceased lived in the same household or if the death was sudden. After the funeral ceremony or when the first stages of mourning have passed, the urn may be returned to the columbarium or buried, depending on the wishes of the deceased or the family.
In addition, the nearness of the urn helps express personal little secrets and emotions during this difficult period, especially for children. This ensures a serene transition, at one’s own pace.
A decorative object
Far from the austere containers of yesteryear, modern urns come in a variety of models, materials and colours, so they can often be thought of as decorative objects. They are therefore unlikely to create any discomfort for visitors.
If the urns are too large for the space available, you can opt for a reliquary, which is more discreet and unobtrusive.
A personalized place for contemplation
When the urn is kept at home, a personalized altar can be set up to make it a place for contemplation—for example by placing photos, objects that the deceased loved or jewellery that the deceased wore. This type of arrangement in a secluded area has the advantage of limiting the damage caused by children’s comings and goings.
The disadvantages
Discomfort with the presence of ashes
Not everyone is comfortable with the presence of a deceased person’s ashes at home. This can cause nightmares, especially for children, whose understanding of death is still unclear. It is important to ensure that the entire household agrees to accept the ashes.
Extending the grieving process
Some people who are more affected by the death of a loved one may have a somewhat all-too-close relationship with the urn, even going so far as to consider it a living person. This then prevents them from progressing in their grieving process and prolongs it. In such cases, support from a professional can help them gradually detach themselves from the urn.
Lack of a place for contemplation
Keeping the urn at home deprives the deceased’s other family and friends of a place for contemplation. Many of the deceased’s friends may feel the need to speak to the deceased at important times, and they may not feel comfortable asking permission from the urn’s keeper to come and visit.
Risk of breakage or theft
In rare cases, the urn may be broken or damaged in a disaster, or stolen by unscrupulous individuals who then resell it. Storage in a columbarium is therefore ideal to avoid such an unfortunate situation.
Sources
(in French)
https://www.fcfq.coop/chroniques/choisir-apporter-les-cendres-avec-soi-2844/
https://www.gfournier.com/nouvelle?type=4&page=1&id=3071
(in English)
https://store.eirene.ca/blogs/resource-centre/ideas-for-keeping-cremated-remains-at-home
https://www.joincake.com/blog/keeping-cremated-remains-at-home/
https://beyond.life/help-centre/arranging-a-funeral/keeping-ashes-in-the-house/
